Episode 27 : You are enough…

Having worked for years with women in all sorts of capacities, I know that one of our perennial issues is always believing, regardless of how we are doing, that we should be more and do more…

Photo : Rachel Collins Photography. Podcast recorded at Hudnall’s Hideout

I used to suffer from this too…

And it took me a lot of years to get the past tense into the above statement!

• When I was in the corner at a family function, on the phone, frantically gesticulating that I would be done soon - my heart was torn in two. I felt I was being ‘less than’ at doing my job, because I wasn’t fully present, I felt I was being ‘less than’ at being a family member, because I wasn’t fully present.

I’d look around the room at everyone else and wish that I too could be like them, and not be the bonkers entrepreneur in the corner. I felt well and truly judged by them and found wanting.

• When I was in a Board Meeting and my phone rang with a school call - my heart was torn in two. I felt I was being ‘less than’ at doing my job, because I wasn’t fully present. I felt I was being ‘less than’ at being a Mum because I wasn’t fully present.

I’d look around the room at everyone else and wish that I too could be like them, and not be the bonkers Mother in the room. I felt well and truly judged by them and found wanting.

• When I was taking some time out for myself, maybe reading a magazine with a cup of tea, and someone walked in, I felt guilty. I invariably jumped up and moved ‘do something’, I felt I was being ‘less than’ in my household.

I wasn’t busy doing something to add value to my day. I felt like I was skiving and needed to justify taking some time out. I felt well and truly judged by them and found wanting.

• When I was…

I’ll stop here with the scenarios, I could go on adding to this list for you, because, believe me, there were many of them. I also think that you probably recognise yourselves in my story and that you too could add even more instances of feeling pulled in many directions at once to my list.

I couldn’t work it out, I couldn’t see what I was doing to myself, I had silently bought into the myth that I had to do it all, somehow be omnipresent and that the success of many elements of my life solely depended on me.

I could feel myself getting more and more frustrated by this, and also more and more run down. I was taking on too much and as our lives changed and my work responsibilities grew, I was still trying to do it all.

Having lost my father in my late 20’s, I absolutely knew that work shouldn’t be the be all and end all.

Having had pleurisy in my early 30’s and ending up off work for 8 weeks, because I pushed on through in the early stages of it I absolutely knew that work shouldn’t be the be all and end all.

But despite the above, I still believed I had to be it all…

Gradually, as life continued to layer in its lessons along the way, and I learnt more about me and how I tick, I started to realise that I was in an absolute ‘emperor has no clothes situation.’

Yes absolutely, in any of the situations I had been in and found myself wanting, someone in that room may well have been judging me, many of us have opinions about what someone is doing.

But I have no control over that, I don’t know what’s gone on in their life to lead them to have that opinion, but in reality it was probably nothing to do with anything that I was doing.

In fact, in most cases I actually had no clue about what they were thinking - in reality, the judge and jury in the room was me, and only me.

And I was judging myself harshly, I was speaking to myself in a way that I would never speak to anyone else…

The defining moment for me, was when my husband, affectionately known in my online musings as Mr W, held both my hands, looked me straight in the eye and told me, ‘You are enough…’

Don’t ask me why, but this particular time, it really landed with me and I realised that he was absolutely right.

I put my objective head on and stood back from my own situation and realised that I needed to change my habits if I wanted to remove this limitation that I was putting on myself.

I talked to my mentor, friends and Mr W, found positive role models to follow and over time, these became my new mantras…

• The only person you have control of is yourself and the only thoughts you really know about are yours. So you should stop worrying about what people think, as in reality you do not know what they are thinking.

• Only worry about things that you have control of.

• You are enough! If you’re doing your best and with good intention, you need to give yourself a break and know that you are enough.

• Congratulate yourself about what you are doing, rather than booting yourself about what you’re not doing.

• Family first, book in to take breaks together, prioritise getting to important events, but don’t worry if that involves some compromising between your conflicting priorities.

• You matter! Look after yourself because you are a precious resource.

• And finally, you can have it all, just not all at once.

This last one was an absolute game changer for me.

It’s like when you’ve got shopping in the car and in reality, it’s a bit more than you can carry but you try and make it into the house in one trip. Invariably, a bag handle breaks and you end up chasing oranges around the drive and it’s just a bit of disaster!

That’s what happens when you are trying to excel in all the areas of your life at once, you just can’t carry it all - so choose carefully what you want to carry and when.

So for me, my family and my career are both important to me and to be my best in both those capacities, I have to make sure that I make time for me too. So I choose to not care what my house looks like too much and to only say yes to going to things that I really want to do.

I don’t need to be superwoman in all the areas of my life and neither do you.

And when I know something is going to be really busy in one area of my life, I try my best to organise ahead and cut some myself some slack in the other areas.

It is possible to be a Mum, have a career and enjoy both elements, and I’m stating this here because I know that many women that I speak to feel it has to be an either/or choice.

In fact, I’m saying it’s possible to be what you want to be, in whatever form makes you happy.

I’m not saying it’s perfect and I have it all worked out - I still have Mum guilt, business guilt, you name it guilt occasionally - but that’s OK, I’m human. The fact that I don’t let the guilt consume me any more makes a huge difference.

For me, starting Countrywoman’s Guide, provided an opportunity for us all to share stories, to throw light into the shadows and to inspire others through difficult patches because you can see that you’re not alone in not having all the answers.

So that you can see that you too are enough.

You’ve shared some amazing stories over the past couple of years, and I know from the comments we get, just how helpful our community have found hearing other people’s journey.

So if you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed, I’d encourage you to take a breath and create your own version of my list above and then start out on the journey of changing your approach. It won’t be overnight and you will have stops and starts along the way. But keep reminding yourself about your list and what you want to achieve and you can keep yourself on the path.

Then start believing that it’s true - you are enough…